Thursday, May 08, 2014

Freak

Autism has turned me into a control freak.

The other day I was scrolling through Instagram, something I rarely do, and noticed that many of my friends seem very laid back and fun.

And then there's me.

Even things as small as taking all the kids to the doctor at the same time (something a friend recently posted a picture of) makes me want to roll into a ball and moan.  I'm way too uptight to do something like that.   It could possibly stem from the fact that last time I took both kids to an appointment, Storey starting crying about something the doctor was doing and Jakson bolted out of the room, covered his ears, and proceeded to scream for a solid twenty minutes.  Then he pooped all over himself.  I'm still experiencing post traumatic stress disorder from that ordeal.

But it's not just doctor visits.  I wish I could be spontaneous.   I learned early on that our little family just can't handle spur of the moment.  I want to surprise my kids by pulling them out of school and taking them to a movie like another friend did a couple of weeks ago.   Last time I tried "surprise" we picked Jakson up after school and took the kids on a staycation (stayed in a hotel here in town).  The result of springing an unexpected activity on Jak?  Meltdown during dinner (at a restaurant) that included throwing himself under the table while yelling.  Not something I want to repeat anytime soon.

So I've become an un-fun control freak.  What once was a minor personality trait in a list of personality traits has now become THE personality trait.   It sort of makes me sad.  I learned about six years ago that my life isn't going to look like everyone else's life because I have a child that has different needs.  And most days I'm okay with that.  But there are times where I'd love to throw my kids in the backseat and yell, "Today we're going to Disneyland!"  or heck, even "No school today, we're going around the corner to get ice cream!"

There are some positives with being very in touch with my control freak side.  I tend to be pretty organized (meltdowns about toy buckets not being in the right spot has made me this way),  because I do so much research, I am a Google master, I'm also fountain of useless information about Disney, and I think people have learned that they can count on me (though if it's not written on my calendar, it's probably not going to get done).  Autism has shaped me in a way that I didn't expect.

I love it and I hate it all at the same time.

2 comments:

Cam said...

I always take comfort in the fact that there's no one right way to do things. You're a great mom!

rawhide said...

I think you're great! I love all the things you do to help your family be unique and fun and loving. We all have weird quirks...its makes us fun I have decided. ha!

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