Complicated

Do you ever have those days/weeks/months when you just feel so unsure? There are so many things in our life that are in upheaval right now and I want so badly for all the drama to go away. That's probably why I love watching ridiculous shows like the Bachelorette so much. A couple of hours a week, I get lost in someone else's drama and walk away unscathed. Frank left? Doesn't bother me. Justin has a girlfriend at home? No, two? Oh, well.

I'm afraid I've turned into the target audience for that show....

After getting Jakson's diagnosis and talking with his psychologist, we started looking into various therapies. It didn't take long to discover that therapy is costly and Utah law doesn't require insurance companies to cover any of it. So, of course, insurance companies don't. I don't think they are in the business of compassion. After a little more research we found that 22 other states DO have laws on the books requiring insurance companies to cover autism related therapy. Some up to $50,000/year.

To make a five month long story short, we have done everything possible to find a job in another state (one of the 22) and move in order for Jakson to receive the therapy that he needs without us going broke, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. Last week, we drove down to Texas to make one last ditch effort, but ended up with nothing.

I take that back-we ended up with something. A car with a transmission problem costing more than the worth of the car. Consequently, we spent our "vacation" selling our dud car for parts and searching for a new-to-us car. What fun. But, no jobs were found.

As a result, we made the decision on the way back up (in our shiny new '00 Subaru, we're so Utah now) that we still need to move. Last year we had 2 days to find a home to rent here and were lucky to find something in our budget, though at the top. Now, we can take a little more time to find a cheaper home so that we have more money for Jak.

Problem? The homes that are for rent here suck. I've seen everything from plaid yellow and brown carpet in the living room (a little reminiscent of family photos in flannel shirts) to little a tiny room (listed as a "media room") meant for storing over 3,000 VHS tapes. If I was still in college the plaid carpet would have been a great conversation starter, but I like to think that I've matured beyond such things. The whole home search has been extremely discouraging.

Tonight we finally went to look at a house with potential. Only I'm so indecisive about everything. And I hate change. I'm afraid our table isn't going to quite fit in the eating nook (it is the first house that we've looked at with the dining area over tile instead of carpet--imagine toddlers eating over carpet. What a disaster that would be), or that I won't like the fact the living room doesn't have a lot of windows, there's no fireplace, and no ice maker in the freezer. Ugh. Am I being ridiculous?

Don't answer that.

I think I already know the answer.

Ready. Or not.

**I actually wrote this post about two weeks ago, but still wasn't ready to publish it. At this point, I feel like I can't go on explaining things about our family life without a little more disclosure, so I've decided it's finally time.**

I'm sure that those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile have noticed a change lately. Not as many posts, not very many personal family stories, a lot of randomness.... and I can assure you there is a good reason. The Vermillion home has been facing some challenges and changes as of late---challenges that we haven't been ready to share with the world wide web. Challenges that we've even been hesitant to share with close friends and family.

While Zak and I were on our anniversary trip, we had a long discussion about our privacy and what things we are ready to share and what we are not on this blog. The blogging world is a pinprick view into a person's life and we weren't sure what part we wanted people to know about. In the end, we decided that because this is such an enormous part of our current life and will continue to be for many years, we would not be able to keep writing this family blog and share with our friends the comings and going of our everyday life without revealing our newest struggle.

Back in March, after many weeks of observation, late-night discussion, and hours of prayer, Zak and I decided to have Jakson evaluated for autism. After an extensive evaluation and a flurry of tests, Jakson was diagnosed with autism, anxiety disorder, and separation anxiety disorder (yes, apparently, that is a real thing).

In retrospect, his diagnosis was a long time coming. From infancy he had displayed behaviors that fell into the spectrum, but we had always dismissed them as quirks. Not making eye contact, not turning around when we called his name, incredibly high pain tolerance, not recognizing emotions.... There was always a reason to dismiss this delay or that strange obsession. The turning point came at Disneyland while riding Buzz Lightyear, coincidentally, the only ride he did not cover his ears on. Jak was so, so excited and his elation displayed itself in stimming every time we came off the ride (stimming happens when a person becomes overstimulated-Jak's stimming behavior is hand flapping, but every kid is different). I recognized it at once because of the many years I had observed the same behaviors while running camps for people with disabilities. At that point, all of the pieces came together.

One fringe benefit of his diagnosis is that I finally have an "explanation". I have always wondered why he has been such a tough child to parent. Other parents didn't seem to have kids that had meltdowns in Target during every.single.trip and about totally obscure, notrelatedinanywaytothestore reasons. I thought for a long time that I was just an exceptionally terrible parent. So, while the diagnosis is certainly no excuse, it is a reason.

The months since his diagnosis have been difficult. I sometimes feel sad that Jakson may not have the kind of life that I assumed he would, worried that he's already not doing many of the things that his friends do because his various fears hold him back, overwhelmed because most of the time I have no idea whattheheck I'm doing as a parent, but I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that the Lord is in charge, that things will work together for our good, and that "men are that they might have joy." He wants us to be happy, He will help us, and our family will be okay.


A disclaimer:
One of the reasons that I didn't want to post about Jak's diagnosis is that I have discovered how controversial the world of autism can be. I'm not looking to find the "cause" of Jakson's autism nor am I searching for a "cure". Autism is not cancer, it's not a cold, this is basically my child's whole being. His personality without autism would be completely different. Sometimes it would be easier to deal with, yes, but Jak wouldn't be Jak without the dinosaur obsessions, his organizational skills, or his need for a tight squeeze---all things that can be attributed to autism. It's like saying that we should cure Zak of his dislike of Mac and Cheese or me of my math abhorrence. This doesn't mean that we won't involve Jak in therapies or special preschools-I don't believe that we should deny that he has some challenges that need to be addressed so that he can function in society, but my goal isn't for a "cure", instead it is for Jak to lead a happy life. Even if it isn't the life that I had originally envisioned for him.

YARD SALE BOOKCASE PLUS DOLLAR STORE MAPS

Every year or so I have an original, not copied from some blog, idea.

It's pretty awesome when that happens.
Amazingly, I've had two so far this year.
First, the ribbon banners and now this.
I think I've definitely reached my originality limits.

I turned an old bookcase we bought as a newly married couple at a yard sale for $10 from mangy (don't mind the dust)

into mapalicious! The total price for everything (including the bookcase)? $13.
I wasn't sure if it would all come together in the end or look completely ridiculous, but I love the results!

Here's what I used:

• 3 packages of maps from the Dollar Tree (each package includes 2 maps)

• spray craft adhesive-can be found at Walmart, Joanns, Hobby Lobby

I cut large main pieces and adhered them to the back of the bookcase with spray and then filled in the gaps with the various smaller pieces cut out from the continent/colored areas of the maps. I may end up going back to Mod Podge over everything if it doesn't hold well, but for now I think it is fine without the extra layer.I'm off to figure out what else can I glue a bunch of maps to.....

Numbered Randomness

A whole bunch of unrelated items on a Friday afternoon.

1. For those of you who are unaware (probably most of you), Storey's 2nd birthday is just around the corner. We've been planning to get her a little trike for quite awhile (you guessed it. We only have one and the "mine" fights over it are giving me a headache).
   
   A pink trike.
   Because Storey, "The Diva", must have pink.
   
   So, when CSN.com (you can buy ANYTHING on this site. From a bed to a baby bouncer) contacted me about doing a review of one of their products, I jumped at the chance because look at this trike.... So disgustingly girlie that I think I might puke on myself (how does a non-pink mom end up with a girl like Storey?). But Storey will think it's pink perfection.
   
   And Jakson won't want to ride it.
   Hallelujah.
   No more "mine"!!


2. I have a little addiction to creating blogs. About a year ago, started the Make Along blog as a list of things on my crafty "to do" list, but it's been neglected for the past few months. I've been finding so many great tutorials lately, that I have been making an effort to post again. Man, people on the internets are talented. Ch-ch-ch-check it out.


3. Speaking of blogs, my friend (and fellow Etsy shop owner) Sabrina has started a fabulous new blog to promote her new sewing pattern shop. Tutorials, guest posts, sewing tips, giveaways....this blog is a must read (especially since I'll be hosting a giveaway and sharing a fun tutorial at the end of the month!!). Head over to enter the giveaway she has going on right now.


4. I bought a jogging stroller this week off of KSL (think Craigslist to you non-Utahns, which come to think of it, is most of you). Not because I was actually going to jog (duh), but because I like to take walks with the kids and the miniature wheels on our double stroller just weren't cutting it. The thing got stuck going up the 1 inch curb on our driveway. Almost as annoying as children shouting "my beep! beep!".
   
   But back to the stroller.
   So, I got it out of the car to use it for the first time today only to find that the front swivel wheel is totally busted. Instead of staying upright, it buckles under the stroller making it impossible to push. I don't think we noticed when we went to pick it up because it doesn't happen without the weight of the children.
   
   Arg.
   How am I ever going to not-jog without a jogging stroller?


5. I'm getting ready to put together Storey's baby clothes quilt and I'm wondering, would anyone like to quilt along with me? It's an easy enough project that a beginner could follow along. You've seen this before---every other day or once a week a tutorial is posted for that days' assignment and when the tutorial is finished, you have a completed project. Anyone up for such a thing? You can see examples of the quilt here, here, and here.


6. If you live in the area and want to shop this weekend, our neighborhood is having a garage sale (and we are participating) tomorrow morning starting at 8! Email me if you need directions... bethanycr(at)gmail(dot)com.
   

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

And she thinks I'm crazy?

This afternoon, in preparation for a garage sale on Saturday, I pulled down all of the kids' clothing bins looking for purgable items. They are all stacked neatly, labeled at the top of the closet in Storey's room. Or should I say, the closet that IS currently Storey's room.

My parents came to visit in April and Storey has insisted on sleeping in the closet, in a Pack 'n Play (seriously, how uncomfortable must those mattresses/wooden mats be?) ever since. I think she is shunning her crib because it is painted red and not hot pink. For sure she's the next Whitney Houston-diva all the way. Has anyone figured out what the heck did I do to deserve this?!?

Anyway, so I was getting the bins down and am not as tall as I used to be/thought I was, didn't have a great grip on the tower I was attempting to carry and they all came crashing down right into Storey's bed. Don't worry there was no sleeping baby in the bed at the time. What kind of mother do you think I am?!?

A couple of the bins burst open and I quickly scooped up the clothes/shoes/burp cloths and tossed them into the adjoining room. Then I went through all of the clothing, getting rid of things I didn't absolutely LOVE, organized the keepers back into the bins and had Zak put them all back. I noticed a couple of shoes were missing, but figured that I would find them eventually and that was that. End of story, right?

Wrong.

Fast forward to this evening.
About 5 minutes after laying Storey down for bed, she started screaming bloody murder. Like death had come and she needed saving. And she's my good sleeper. So I ran upstairs, threw open the bedroom door, rushed to the closet and there she was, tears rolling down her red cheeks holding out a pink checkered infant shoe. Um....

I took the shoe, sang her a couple of lines to a song, and left the room.

Ten minutes later, Storey was screaming again. Impossibly it seemed louder than before and I thought, "Oh, that's where that Mary Jane shoe went." I went up, a little less anxious this time, took the shoe, scoured her bed for any other miscreant footwear that might be lurking, sang her a couple of lines, and went back downstairs confident that all was well and she would fall asleep.

Not five minutes later, I heard her shrieking again. Even louder. Maybe she'd fallen out of her bed? I rush in and find her holding out a 3 inch tall finger puppet that must have been on the shelf when the bins fell down. And I lost it--it was just so ridiculously funny. Storey looked at me like I was crazy (hello pot, I'm kettle) and toddled over to her pillow to lay down.

Laughing, I bent down to kiss her goodnight.

Hmmm...she smells like pineapples.

Rejuvenation

It's amazing what a little time away can do for a mom. Even if it's only one night.

As previously mentioned, last Friday was our anniversary. To celebrate, we went to Salt Lake for the weekend. With no children. That meant, no fighting, no whining, no screams of "mine", no kids underfoot during dinner out (literally-Jakson sits under the table every time we go out to eat. EVERY.TIME.). We didn't have to watch Toy Story, we actually had cable (lamely, I made Zak watch "Say Yes to the Dress" with me), and for dessert we ate cupcakes. With lots of frosting.

It was a little like heaven.
(Is it sad that my idea of heaven has diminished to such low standards? I mean, cable? Really?!? Heaven used to be spa treatments and hot guys. Darn kids.)

The best part was that Zak and I could talk uninterrupted about anything and everything. We reminisced, we planned for the future, we expressed worries, AND we didn't have to stop once to say "quit hitting your sister" or **"it's not your 'beep! beep!', it's everyone's." Bliss.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children. But sometimes.....

Saturday morning we got up early and drove around to some garage sales. Without children. It was a lot of fun. I am so grateful that I married a man who loves to hunt a bargain as much as I do. We found summer clothes for Storey and a few things for the house that we promptly spray painted (I love me some spray paint) and spent exactly $11!

Even though it was a really low-key anniversary, it was exactly what I needed.

**The most ridiculous fight my children have had thus far. We were in the car and the car in front of us honked. Because she is a parrot, Storey yelled "beep! beep!" Because Jakson is Jakson, he then yelled "beep! beep!" resulting in an argument consisting of each child screaming, "no! my beep! beep!" over and over and over until I informed both of them that "it is everyone's beep! beep." Seriously? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Six Years

July 2003-Just friends
July 2004-More than friends
July 2010-Six years of crazy fun